


Haunted

by Illianna



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Drama, Emotional, F/M, Prequel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23794546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Illianna/pseuds/Illianna
Summary: TheVoyagercrew is haunted by memories of events that occurred during the last sixteen years of their journey to the Alpha Quadrant. The culmination of these events and the harsh realities of coping with life back on Earth eventually leads Admiral Janeway to travel back in time to bring her crew home sixteen years earlier.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Seven of Nine
Comments: 16
Kudos: 32





	1. Chapter 1

Harry Kim had made the rank of Lieutenant Commander ten years into their journey. By the time _Voyager_ reached Earth, he had been a Commander for five years and their chief security officer for ten of them. Tuvok, before the neurologic condition began to affect his logic, began training him as his replacement, knowing the time would come. Which meant, he would have to train his replacement for the chief operations officer position. 

He could not help feeling sorrow for Captain Janeway, as she watched one of her oldest friends mentally slip away from her a piece at a time. She was not the only one affected by the change, but it had certainly hit her the hardest when he requested to be relieved of his position, stating it was time. The once stoic logical Vulcan was on the cusp of losing who he was, knowing that a devastating transformation was taking place and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. 

His was not the first major change to occur. Ten years into their journey, Seven of Nine had been fatally injured on an away mission Harry was also a part of. The two of them were on their way back from a survey and retrieval mission in an asteroid field. They were collecting the deuterium her previous scans had revealed nearly two weeks ago. Although the accident was not his fault, he should have been more adamant about his objections. 

Seven wanted to position the _Delta Flyer_ between two asteroids that were too close together. If they or something altered their positions the result would be disastrous. She was willing to risk their safety if it meant getting to the largest deposit of deuterium just below the surface. He thought it was a bad idea, and told her so, but agreed to a compromise. She proposed going in an environmental suit with a plasma torch and cutting out the piece. Once it was free, Harry could transport them both back to the _Flyer_. It was still risky, and his better judgment was telling him to say no, but he was also aware of how stubborn Seven could be. So, he agreed to the plan. 

She managed to cut out the deposit without incident. It was not until he began to implement the second phase that things went wrong. A gravity well opened near their position, a phenomenon neither had anticipated. It was unbelievably random in its suddenness and timing. Just as he was beginning transport, the asteroids collided with Seven pinned between them. He managed to transport her back onboard before the collision completely crushed her, but the damage had been done. The environmental suit only providing minimal protection against the impact. 

Blood was dripping from her nose and mouth before collapsing to the floor. There was only one thing he could do in the interim, get her into stasis. He knew taking her out of the suit would only exacerbate her condition, but if he did not, she would die before getting them back to _Voyager_. There was no way of knowing, as he dismantled and lifted her out of the suit if she was going to die. Still conscious, her eyes pleaded with him to get her home, so she could see her husband. If this was to be her end, she wanted it to be with the man she loved. 

“I promise you’ll see Chakotay again. You’re going to be alright,” he said placing her onto the biobed and activated the stasis field, unable to break eye contact. He could see she was frightened and uncertain of her fate, as was he, “I’ll get us back to _Voyager_. Try to think happy thoughts,” Harry gave a weak smile. 

Returning to the helm, he ordered the computer to open a channel to _Voyager_ , “This is Lieutenant Commander Harry Kim. Tell the Doctor to get ready for a patient. Seven has been severely injured and needs immediate medical attention. Once we are in range, transport her there.”

 _“Acknowledged,”_ Said the voice of his replacement Lieutenant Mitchell.

“Kim out,” Harry replied and closed the channel before taking the helm and piloting like a mad man. The _Flyer_ was the most advanced craft they had, and she was fast, but in this instance, the forty-five-minute journey felt like an eternity. 

When he was close enough, he dropped out of warp and heard Mitchell’s voice erupt over the com, _“We got her Harry. The barn doors are open.”_

He was certainly no Tom Paris when it came to piloting, but to see the way he was maneuvering the shuttle one might mistake him for the extraordinary pilot as he parked the _Delta Flyer_ in the shuttle bay. 

The door could not open fast enough, all he wanted to know was if Seven was okay and if Chakotay had been able to see her before surgery. When he reached sickbay, the first thing he saw as the doors parted was Captain Janeway’s back. His eyes traveled past her shoulder to see Seven lying on the biobed motionless in her husband’s arms. The man was inconsolable, the Doctor standing quietly across from them on the opposite side. Harry was stunned, even though part of him already suspected this would be the result, no matter how far he tried to suppress it. 

Janeway turned toward him, her eyes glistening as they met briefly before sliding back to the door and left without a word. 

The Doctor approached and placed a hand on his shoulder, “There was nothing I could do. The damage was too extensive,” he said, doing his best to give him a comforting smile before allowing his hand to drop from his shoulder and turned to go into his office. 

This had been the first blow the crew had experienced in a long time. Unfortunately, it would not be the last. 


	2. Chapter 2

Kathryn Janeway willed herself not to cry. Well, that was what she tried to do at any rate. When the doors to her quarters closed the flood gates opened, and what came forth was a tidal wave of emotion. Seven was dead, Chakotay was lost in grief, and Tuvok was still himself but beginning a downward slope toward a never-ending sea of confusion. 

How did her life turn out so wrong? Was she being punished in some way? It was unfathomable as to how so many things could spin out of control. 

For her, things started to go wrong the day Chakotay came into her ready room and said he needed to talk to her regarding a personal matter. It had not been the first time; they had been close friends for years, so they often found themselves confiding in one another. 

When they retreated to the long sofa on the second level and sat, she could tell that whatever was on his mind was weighing him down. Placing her hand over the one resting on his knee, his eyes met hers.

“I’ve been keeping this private until I knew for sure, but we’ve discussed it and decided now was the time to tell you,” Chakotay said offering her a smile.

Kathryn's face showed confusion by the statement, “Tell me what?”

“That Seven and I have been dating for quite some time,” he paused, his features going through a myriad of expressions, “I think I’m in love.”

A smile spread across her lips as her hand squeezed his gently, “That’s wonderful.”

“We thought you might be upset,” Chakotay said relieved, “considering how protective you are of Seven.”

“Not just Seven, I care for you deeply,” Kathryn reminded, “You have become one of my closest friends on this journey, and the last thing I want is to see you hurt,” her face softened as she gave his hand another gentle squeeze, a slight smile on her lips, “I want what I’ve always wanted for you and every member of this crew, happiness. If you and Seven have found that in each other I would be the last person to stand in your way. I hope you know that.”

Chakotay nodded and put his other hand on top of hers, “I do. I was concerned because of your unique bond with Seven. It reminds me of a mother-daughter relationship in many ways. So, I guess I felt the need for your approval.”

Kathryn laughed, “I suppose I am. Not just to Seven, but a mother to the entire crew,” and noticed how the worry lines on his face vanished, “You have my blessing if that’s what you came for. I know you’re not the kind of man who rushes into relationships and will treat Seven with understanding and respect.”

Chakotay smiled, “Thank you, Kathryn. You’ve always been a wonderful friend.”

“You too,” Kathryn said allowing her hand to slide from between his as she stood up. 

“Lunch?” Chakotay asked reaching his feet.

“I’ve made other plans. Raincheck?”

“Always,” he paused, searching her face for a moment, thinking that something about her behavior was just the tiniest bit off but couldn’t pinpoint it, “I’ll be on the bridge if you need me.”

Kathryn watched him with a smile as he left the room. Once the doors closed, the smile disappeared as she lifted the fist of her left hand. Opening it slowly she released a soft painful gasp, watching as her fingernails left behind little half-moon punctures in the palm of her hand. _“That was that.”_ she thought, along with any thoughts she might have entertained about someday evaporated. If he was happy that was the only thing that mattered, but it didn't feel that way. 

Eventually, she would get used to the idea that the notion of one day was no longer a slight possibility. If she was being honest with herself, not even then. She had grown to selfishly enjoy the thought of entertaining something beyond friendship developing between them, which had been easy to do when they were both single. 

Now, he was with Seven, but more than that, he thought he was falling in love with her. He used to feel that way about her once, she knew, until he realized that she was never going to reciprocate those feelings while she was his commanding officer. It was only a matter of time before he finally did move on and embrace happiness for himself. She on the other hand, never would.


	3. Chapter 3

The day Seven died was one of the most gut-wrenching experiences of Chakotay’s life. Today was the first anniversary of her death. He had put his heart and soul into their relationship, she deserved nothing less as far as he was concerned. If he was going to be with someone, he would do it with his whole heart. 

As much as he did love her, there was another woman he tried to let go of his feelings for with little success, Kathryn Janeway. The day after he told her about their relationship, the closeness they shared began to wane. It was not that he wanted it to, but she, on the other hand, felt it was necessary. When Seven died she stood by him, helped him through his grief as he did with hers. Despite what their perspective relationships were with Seven, they both cared for her. She had been important to both, and her presence had left an indelible impression upon their memory. 

The changes in all of them, especially Tuvok, had become noticeable. Tragedy followed them through the Delta quadrant like a Borg cube intent on assimilation. Chakotay could not help but wonder when or if there would ever be a crack large enough to escape. 

He and Kathryn met in her quarters for dinner, a tradition they decided to reinstate six months ago. Their relationship had changed in many ways over the last four years, but he was determined not to allow their friendship to disintegrate. He still cared for her deeply, and the feelings he had developed for her nine years ago organically resurfaced. There was no need to pretend he did not have them, too much had happened over the last eleven years for him to feign ignorance. In her way, Kathryn had let him know she still held similar feelings for him. However, he did not believe the signals she gave were intentional. 

Chakotay sat across from Kathryn, finishing the last of their dinner and drinking Plotomic Nectar, a potent alcoholic substance each had to be careful ingesting, one that was given to Janeway as a gift from the Plotom, a race they had met nearly two years ago. It was not something she drank often, only saving it for special occasions. Other than its remarkable ability to draw in the drinker with its delicate taste and aroma, a person could become drunk easily if they were not paying attention to the amount consumed. 

Each had half a glass. What they had consumed was already pushing the line. It was not enough to make them drunk, the food absorbing a portion of the alcohol, but it did loosen their tongues as they retired to the living area for coffee.

They had dressed in casual attire, deciding it was more appropriate given the occasion and to whom they were remembering.

Kathryn’s eyes were fixed on Chakotay’s face. The lines which had appeared over the last year alone was enough to tell her how hard the loss had been on him. She had not fared much better. Streaks of white had begun cropping up amongst her auburn locks, just as it did his short ebony colored hair, “I’m glad we started doing this again.”

Chakotay nodded, his eyes fixed on the mug in his hand before replying softly, “Me too.”

“The last year hasn’t been exceedingly kind to you. I wish there were something I could do to change that,” Her voice floated gently through the space between them.

He sighed and took a sip from the mug before raising his weary eyes to hers, “You miss her too. Don’t you?”

Kathryn averted her eyes, trying to keep him from seeing the moisture which had formed there, “I do. She was like no one I’d ever met.”

“Same,” Chakotay agreed, “It doesn’t change the fact she’s gone.”

Kathryn nodded slightly, “You’re right.”

Silence fell between them for several moments. Each lost to their thoughts.

“I’ve been thinking…” Chakotay’s words trailed off.

Her eyes moved back to his face, which was angled down toward the mug in his hands, “About?”

“You,” he answered, before lifting his head and met her eyes.

Kathryn could not mistake the longing there, the comfort he desperately needed. Unable to conjure a response she decided it was best to remain silent. If he needed to talk, get his feelings out this would be the time to do it. Without the half-glass of liquid courage, she would not have possessed the frame of mind to listen.

“I may have allowed myself to fall in love with Seven, and I did love her. However, it was only because you would not allow me to love you. Remind me why that is again?” Chakotay’s feelings were too raw and close to the surface tonight to protect himself from them. 

She had never told him the first time; the subject had remained closed for nine years since he told her in his way how he felt. Oddly, she did not feel backed into a corner by the question, “I couldn’t allow myself to feel that kind of love for you. If something ever happened to you while we were together, I would be completely broken.”

Chakotay laughed ironically, “How’s that working out for you?”

Kathryn felt a smile spread slowly across her lips, “Not as well as I’d hoped.”

Setting down his mug, he moved over to her and held out his hand. After a few seconds of hesitation, she put down her mug and took it. Allowing him to guide her to her feet, she met his eyes, and they were burning with an unspoken desire that made the air catch in her throat. 

“Don’t push me away tonight. Whatever happens tomorrow can wait until then,” he said firmly.

She should not have considered the proposal; under any other circumstances, she probably would not have. Tonight, was different. Tonight, they were both hurting. It was not the rational or smart thing to do, allow herself this indulgence. However, she loved him, more than she ever let on. Tonight, she would give herself freely to him. Whether it ever happened again in the future was not considered. 

Her fingers reached up and caressed his cheek as they continued to hold hands. Gently, she drew him down for a soft kiss. As their lips touched, she felt an instant fire spread through her extremities. This was what she had always been afraid of. How this kind of intimacy with him would affect her. 

He could feel the heat radiating off her body, the suppressed passion and controlled desire making its first appearance. This was the woman he was always meant to be with, and he could sense her feelings for him through that kiss. 

When their lips parted, their eyes lidded with undisguised desire, she led him quietly to the bedroom where they would spend the next few hours expressing every repressed feeling each had for the other in a singular dance of physical expression neither would forget.


	4. Chapter 4

Two years later, Tuvok had been reduced to someone she did not recognize. Physically, he was all there, mentally there was not much of him left. Every Wednesday evening, unless they were in the middle of an emergency or crisis, she would go to his quarters for a dedicated visit. 

The slow transformation of not only himself but his quarters was unsettling. Papers covered the windows and walls, filled with lines and verses of the austere Vulcan language. When her eyes focused on his form in the near darkness, he was staring at the lit meditation lamp she had seen him use in the past. However, he was not meditating, rather compilating its purpose. 

“Tuvok?” Kathryn began softly as she approached, “Am I disturbing you?”

He did not answer right away, only stare at the lamp deep in thought, “What is our purpose?”

Slipping into the seat across from him she replied, “What do you mean?” She had learned from previous discussions not to assume the topic but allow him to explain. 

Tuvok’s dark eyes moved to take in her face, and the man she knew was still struggling to be recognized. Slowly disappearing in a mire, desperate to be rescued from his fate even knowing there was nothing she could do to save him, “To live Kathryn Janeway. To be worthy of life. My work in this area has been fraught with unexpected challenges. I believe it will be years before it is complete.”

“Is this what all these papers are about?” Kathryn questioned leaning forward slightly, “Finding the meaning of life?”

The skin between his eyes and on his brow furrowed. Tuvok was either perplexed or indignant by the question. It was so hard to be certain anymore what he was feeling or thinking at any given moment, and his moods could change on a whim. 

“No!” Tuvok roared, and slapped the palm of his hand flat against the table, “Are you not listening?” He challenged angrily, “I am speaking of worthiness! What gives us the right to exist!”

She held up her hands in apology, her back now pressed against the chair, “I’m sorry Tuvok.”

The door opened and two security officers entered the room with phasers drawn. Kathryn motioned for them to stand down, indicating that the situation was still under control. Nodding they withdrew, leaving the sound of a soft swish of the door in their wake, giving them privacy.

Tuvok’s nostrils flared, the sound of air rushing in and out along with the heaving of his chest indicated his agitation. 

“I did not think before I spoke. Of course, that is what you meant,” Kathryn stated diplomatically.

His breathing began to slow, the irritation he felt looked to be dissolving. His dark eyes once again moved to the meditation lamp, only this time the expression on his face was replaced with confusion. Reaching out a hand, he picked up the lit object and turned it over, studying it carefully, focusing every ounce of attention into committing the detail of the object to memory, “I know this object.”

“Yes,” Kathryn encouraged gently, allowing her hands to lower, “It’s your meditation lamp. I gave this to you as a gift almost a year before we were assigned to _Voyager_. Do you remember?”

Tuvok’s nostrils began to flare again, his breath quickening. When his eyes met hers this time, they were cold, “You are attempting to deceive me.”

She shook her head firmly, “No Tuvok, I am telling you the truth. I gave it to you on Vulcan when I attended your daughters _kolinahr_. I brought two of them, one for you and one for her. Try to remember.”

His head began to work itself deliberately back and forth, “T’Pel gave me this. Kathryn Janeway presented me with a Vulcan book of poetry. Therefore, you are attempting to deceive me, which can only mean you are not who you claim to be,” Tuvok sat the item on the table and made his way to his feet, the coldness in his eyes persisted, “What have you done with Kathryn Janeway?”

Her eyes widened slightly, surprised, and frightened by the strange turn his logic had taken. He had been angry before, confused, but never had he appeared threatening. It was one of two times she could remember ever being truly afraid of him. Trying to appear steadfast, she rose to her feet with as much confidence as possible, “I am Kathryn Janeway, Tuvok. T'Pel gave you the Vulcan book of poetry for the anniversary of your joining three months before. You suggested I should read it, that perhaps I would gain further wisdom on Vulcan culture. Try to remember,” Kathryn’s voice was on the edge of pleading.

Tuvok’s eyes, cold and intimidating, became warm, “Of course, you are correct. I apologize for my error,” he stated simply and knelt back onto the floor, his focus returning to the flame.

She could feel her heart hammering a steady rhythm in her chest as she took a breath. Letting it out slowly, Kathryn attempted to return to a state of calm, but what she had just witnessed was not only frightening but disturbing. It was only then she realized it was no longer safe to visit with him privately, she would have to have a security officer inside the room. In fact, she would have to make it an order once she left that no one was to visit Tuvok without a security officer present. 

The realization of how lost and confused he had become was like a punch to the gut. Her oldest friend was gone, and she would never see nor hear his counsel again. Kathryn had always depended on him, needed him in those times when her thoughts were too muddled to traverse on her own. His clam rational approach brought a promised peace she both expected and sought. Now, he was no longer capable of providing it. 

Tears glistened in her eyes and much as she tried to suppress them. Her throat became uncomfortably tight. The next words she spoke were done with difficulty, “Tuvok, I have to go, but I will see you next Wednesday.” 

Tuvok’s eyes did not leave the flame as he replied, “Be well, Kathryn Janeway.”

She had to force her feet to move, plodding one in front of the other until no further effort was required by the time she reached the door. Exiting, Kathryn breezed past the security officers, unable to utter any parting words as she headed and entered the turbolift and rode it back to the deck which housed her quarters.

Their visits would continue throughout the years. The next time she visited him alone was when they were back in the Alpha quadrant, having made up her mind to return to the past.


	5. Chapter 5

The deaths continued to occur. It was during her only fight with the Uv'ain she lost sixteen members of her crew in an unprovoked attack. It was the largest loss of life they had sustained since the incident which stranded them in the Delta quadrant. The bodies they sent out amongst the stars the following week only served to retraumatize the crew. Reminding them, as if they believed they were immune, how precarious their situation was. 

They were not the last deaths _Voyager_ sustained before reaching the Alpha quadrant. The crew count between Starfleet, Maquis, and five crew members leaving was one-hundred twenty-three. Naomi Wildman and Miral Paris were the only births during their twenty-three-year voyage. 

Kathryn watched both girls grow up to become fine young women who had taken great solace in each other and had effectively one-hundred twenty-one parents on board. She had become as big an influence on Miral as she had on Naomi. Once a month, Kathryn began having dinners with them, wanting to hear their honest perspectives on what it’s been like growing up on a starship their whole lives. 

At the time of their first dinner, Naomi was thirteen and Miral seven. Due to their half-alien physiologies, the girls possessed a greater level of maturity than their human counterparts at the same age. It wasn’t hard to notice the sisterly bond between them, especially when Miral would look to Naomi when she didn’t quite know how to answer a question Kathryn asked. 

“How are your lessons going?” Kathryn asked placing the bowl of spaghetti with meatballs on the table. It was a dish she wasn’t extremely fond of, but one she learned the girls loved. 

“Fine Captain,” Naomi answered immediately with a smile. 

Miral was quite shy, and it would take more time for her to get used to the idea of spending time in the captain’s quarters. The only reason she agreed to attend was due to Naomi’s influence. The young girl fidgeted with the hem of her shirt, unable to make eye contact as she answered in a soft voice, “Good Captain.”

Kathryn smiled softly as she reached out her hand for Naomi’s plate, which the girl handed over and took Miral’s, readying it for the next portion. Once all their plates had been filled, Kathryn took her seat and allowed the smile to widen before saying, “Bon appétit.”

The room was devoid of conversation. Only the sound of silverware clinking against plates was predominant at first. If they were going to get to know each other she would have to be the one to initiate and keep the conversation moving.

“ _Voyager_ stopped to study a stellar nursery yesterday,” Kathryn began between bites, “I hope you both were able to see it from the observation deck.”

“Yes Captain,” Naomi answered, “Lieutenant Commander Paris took Miral and me there to see it. I can’t wait to see the sensor data once Lieutenant Delany processes it.”

Kathryn’s eyes left Naomi’s face and attempted to search Miral’s, who was currently staring down at her plate eating carefully. She was more nervous about making a mess than following the conversation, “Miral? What did you think?” 

Naomi touched Miral’s leg to get her attention. Once she had, her head tilted to the side and indicated with her eyes that the Captain was expecting a response. Miral hadn’t heard the question, much less able to give any reply. Slowly her head turned and rose slightly to see the captain’s gentle smile. 

“I’m sorry Captain, I wasn’t paying attention,” Miral answered in a small voice.

“That’s alright. I know how nerve-wracking this must be, and how uncomfortable this dinner must feel to you,” Kathryn said leaning forward conspiratorially, “But I’d like to get to know you both better. I should have taken more time to do that before today.”

“It’s fine Captain,” Naomi offered with a slight smile, attempting to put her at ease, “We know your time is valuable and that you have many responsibilities. Keeping us all safe for one.”

“Yes…well,” Kathryn felt uneasy, “It’s still no excuse for not taking the time to get to know you both,” They were the closest she would ever come to having children of her own, and since circumstances had denied her the choice she was determined not to let the vicarious experience pass her by, “The two of you have no idea how important you are, and I would be negligent as the leader of our family not to take time to get to know our youngest members. I’m hoping you’ll allow me the opportunity.”

“Of course,” Naomi said, allowing her smile to spread. 

Miral wasn’t as good at feigning confidence. However, she did harbor a question her parents wouldn’t answer. Perhaps the captain felt differently, “Can I ask you something?”

Kathryn smiled gently, “You can ask me whatever you like.”

Her palms began to sweat. She knew the question would be difficult for the captain to answer because no one knew the future, but she wanted to know just the same. Taking in a breath she used it to bolster her confidence, if only long enough for the words to be spoken, “What’s going to happen to Naomi and me when the rest of you are gone? Who will take care of us?”

Pursing her lips, Kathryn wasn’t sure how to allay her fears, “Have you let your parents know how you’re feeling?”

Miral nodded, her hands dropping to her lap to play with the hem of her shirt again, “They keep telling me we’ll be cared for and not to worry. But how do they know? Everyone is so much older than us,” she allowed her head to tilt to the side and lean toward her shoulder, “Am I making sense?”

“Yes,” Kathryn answered, “And I do understand your worry. As captain, all of you are my responsibility, and I take that very seriously. I _will_ always do everything within my power to keep this family together, and that family includes you and Naomi. I have devised a plan in the unlikely event no one is here that you’ll both be cared for. There is no need to worry. I want you both to enjoy your childhood as much as possible before it passes you by. Alright?”

Miral gave her a weak smile, infused with a little more confidence than what was there previously. 

“Now, what would you girls like to talk about? Your choice,” Kathryn asked, changing the subject and resumed eating. 

The girls looked at each other for a moment. As though they were speaking telepathically, “Can all of us play _kadis-kot_ after dinner?” Miral asked.

She hadn’t played that game in years, but gave a slight smile and nod, causing Miral and Naomi to return it.


	6. Chapter 6

When they arrived on Earth, _Voyager_ was greeted with great fanfare. Fireworks were set off as the formally lost ship flew over San Francisco bay. Much to the delight of the people who attended and gathered upon the news being aired across every news program. When they landed on the grounds of the presidio at Starfleet Headquarters, the entire crew eventually disembarked to face two weeks of debriefings. Once the arduous task was complete, they would be allowed to see their families. 

The maquis were given pardons for their previous associations with the rebel group, after twenty-three years it didn’t seem to matter as much anymore. Some decided to stay with the fleet as others left to pursue their interests.

Chakotay was the only former maquis who was too ill to be offered a new position and was sent to Starfleet Medical for treatment. It was a pernicious disease, causing Chakotay to waste away a piece at a time. Although he had managed to fulfill the promise he’d made to himself that he’d be there to help get _Voyager_ home, he could no longer assist in his care by the time they reached Earth. 

Kathryn had taken time off after her debriefings were concluded to care for him directly. His sister had been killed in an accident a year before their arrival, the information only served to exacerbate his already delicate condition. She cared for him night and day, watching as his body continued to waste away. Knowing he no longer had the desire to keep going. Seven and Sekaya’s death were too much for him to take, and the last thing she would allow was for anything further to add to his troubles. 

Nurses came by to help with all the heavy lifting. Bathing, bathroom visits, helping him get dressed, and transferring him to his wheelchair for walks outside. They would discuss the old days, talk of the fun times they shared over the years. That is until he became too weak to be moved any longer. 

Several weeks later as the last of his strength left him, his breath becoming labored and had to be placed on oxygen. Kathryn remembered sitting by his bedside reading a book aloud to him, one he enjoyed, Tolstoy’s _War and Peace_. While she was in the middle of a sentence, he reached out his hand and laid it on her arm. 

Setting down the book, she took his hand in hers as he stared up at her with loving eyes, “I wish…things could have been…different between us,” he said between breaths, “I want you to know…I love you…Kathryn…and I always…will.”

She smiled and kissed him on the forehead and whispered, “I love you too. Now, you should get some rest,” Kathryn said before pulling back, “I know it wasn’t easy living without her all these years Chakotay,” she added, a tear escaping her eye. 

“No…it hasn’t. But it should…have been you…I’ve always wanted…you,” he admitted, his eyes dry but no longer possessed the ability to cry, “I feel tired…I’m going to rest now,” Chakotay closed his eyes, his breathing labored.

Kathryn continued to hold his hand, neither of them willing to let go of the other. She watched his face as his breathing continued to slow until eventually, it stopped altogether. Tears began to fall freely from her eyes. Even knowing this day was coming held no comfort, no ability to emotionally prepare herself for the loss. Leaning forward, she rested her forehead against his temple, her mouth close to his ear, “I know you’ve been suffering for so long. It’s time to finally rest. If you see Seven give her my regards,” she whispered and kissed his ear, “I should have done so many things differently. Pushing you away all these years was one of my biggest regrets. I should have allowed you to love me the way I’ve always loved you. But I hope, in a few years when it’s my time, I will see you again. We could be together with nothing standing in the way if you’re still willing,” she continued to whisper, her voice choked with emotion, “Goodbye my love.”

She picked a spot under the shade of a large tree as his final resting place. Everyone who could attend the funeral had. Harry had been promoted to captain upon his return and took a deep space assignment. Tuvok, of course, was in no condition to attend. Although she had been forced to become used to plodding ahead in life without his counsel, there were times she often found herself missing it. This had been one of those times. 

Once the funeral was over, and the _Voyager_ family dispersed after the gathering, Kathryn found herself alone with B’Elanna, each nursing a drink as they sat across from the other. Their faces had grown old but familiar, the bond of family and friendship becoming deeper over the years spent in exile.

“I understand congratulations are in order,” B’Elanna said after taking a sip from her drink. Lost in thought, Kathryn looked up at her in confusion, causing B’Elanna to elaborate, “Your promotion to Vice Admiral,” she explained. 

The lines in her face softened, her lips spread into a slight smile, “Thank you. I understand you should be congratulated as well, Ambassador to the Klingon high council.”

B’Elanna’s eyes drifted to the glass resting between her hands, “I never considered myself a diplomat.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Kathryn gave her a half-smile, “Between Tom and Miral you’ve negotiated some fairly impressive outcomes.”

B’Elanna laughed, her eyes returning to her former captain’s face, “I suppose I have. Still, I'm not sure what I was thinking when I said yes.”

“You were thinking about your future beyond _Voyager_. It’s what we all must do,” Kathryn replied confidently and took a large swallow from the glass. 

Nodding B’Elanna asked, “What will you do now that Chakotay’s gone?”

“My job,” She answered without missing a beat, “The Federation always has its hands full. So, I will play my part and do what I can to help resolve as many of those problems as I can.”

B’Elanna couldn’t help but notice how guarded she kept her emotions. It began with Tuvok and only seemed to get worse as time passed. The dinners she had with Chakotay, Miral, and Naomi regularly helped keep her sanity, but it seemed to do nothing to stop or reverse the hardening of her heart. It saddened her, remembering the woman she used to be when their journey in the Delta quadrant began. How she would spend the time to mentor her in the beginning until she got her rhythm. Chakotay’s death had only made things worse. 

Friendly was never a problem, it was letting anyone behind the veneer of her protective shell that made some conversations awkward when strong feelings were involved. Kathryn Janeway had slowly changed into a woman she barely recognized over the years. Seven’s death had a lot do to with that. Losing Tuvok to a neurogenic condition only made it worse. All the people they lost along the way only served to add another layer of defense. Desperately trying to protect herself from feeling as though she were drowning in a sea of misery she couldn’t escape when so many people depended on her. B’Elanna knew herself well enough that what the woman sitting across from her had endured was a series of burdens no one should have to bear; burdens she could never have endured alone. 

Draining the glass, B’Elanna leaned forward and placed it on the table between them, “I just want you to know before I go, that you are one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. So, I want you to make me a promise before I leave.”

“What’s that?” Kathryn asked warily.

“That you’ll stop neglecting your needs and live,” B’Elanna suggested gently, “Your promise has been fulfilled, we’re home.” 

Kathryn’s expression was unreadable as she stared back at her. There were a couple of times within the silence that followed where she thought she might get a reply, instead, what she received was a slight nod. B’Elanna wasn’t thrilled with the response, but it would have to do. Pushing her for verbal confirmation would have been a colossal waste of time and allowed herself to feel lucky to have received any type of affirmation at all, “I should go. If you ever need me, you know where I’ll be.”

“Understood,” Kathryn replied as she watched B’Elanna stand and retreat from the room. It was the first time she gave serious consideration to the idea of changing the past.


	7. Chapter 7

Life continued at a steady pace. _Voyager_ and the long journey home ended five years ago. The crew, those who were still alive, were now embroiled in their new lives. Many of the crew, like herself, were too old to start having families by the time they returned. However, the children who were left behind at the beginning of their journey were all grown up, just as children are wont to do. Their children, who in their minds, would always be suspended in the annals of memory at the age they were when last seen. Were now being cruelly reminded upon arriving home to find an adult whose life had barely been touched by their influence, and in some cases, not at all.

There was a lot of misdirected anger. Fate, their former Captain, the caretaker himself, God, the universe was to blame for their forced dissociation. They had little experience in being a parent when they returned, and the lack of it, combined with resentment caused a great deal of friction in the beginning when becoming reacquainted with their adult children. All of them were now forced into a parent/child relationship they had difficulty coping with. Each of them experiencing grief and loss at having missed so much of their children’s lives. It took time and counseling to overcome the more volatile emotions, but would never truly accept the loss, only learn to make a fragile peace with it. 

In the last eight years of their journey, _Voyager_ had lost its ability to stay in contact with Starfleet. The singularity _Pathfinder_ was using to relay the signal from the Midas array had destabilized, leaving them once again completely cut off from home. Some parents returned to find their child had died or learned they were now a grandparent. Which created additional emotional and mental challenges to overcome. 

In many ways, Naomi and Miral became their surrogate children and were greatly invested in their lives. So, when Naomi married a human man a little over a year ago and immediately became pregnant on her honeymoon, they couldn’t have been happier for her. Kathryn immediately agreed to perform the wedding ceremony when Naomi asked, there was little she wouldn’t do for any member of her former crew, especially when it came to either Miral or Naomi. She had been told by each of the girls at separate times, how they viewed her as a second mother due to the relationship Kathryn cultivated with them when they were young. And they, in turn, had become the daughters she never had. 

When Naomi gave birth to Sabrina, it wasn’t difficult to make the stretch to an honorary grandparent. Holding her for the first time stirred up a plethora of overwhelming emotions. Reminding her how her chance for love and family had taken a backseat to the almost fanatical obsession of getting her crew home. Regretting, not for the first time over the years, how she had sacrificed any potential happiness she might have had with Chakotay had she just allowed herself the luxury of being human. This child she was holding might have been her grandchild, born from a child she might have had with him had she allowed their relationship to flourish. 

Handing the baby back to Naomi, her eyes glistening, she kissed her on the temple and left the room, unable to utter a word. It wasn’t hard to miss the look of confusion on Naomi’s face as her eyes met the Admiral’s briefly before the legendary figure retreated to neutral territory. It hadn’t occurred to her until discussing the interaction with her mother later as to why the admiral may have behaved in such an unusual manner. 

Samantha Wildman could only speculate as to the reasons but did possess enough observational data over their years on _Voyager_ to provide a plausible explanation. She didn’t share her suspicions of how close she thought Janeway and Chakotay had become over the years with her daughter, only indicated that the admiral may have been reminded of her missed opportunity for a family of her own. Recommending that Naomi just permit the admiral time to process the situation in her way before reaching out to her again. 

After leaving Starfleet Medical, she returned to her apartment and replicated a cup of tea. She never explained to anyone after so many years of being a coffee drinker why she decided to give it up. It was her way of honoring and reminding herself of Chakotay in a simple way every day. Every cup gave her an excuse to think of him and remember the man he was, his kindness, compassion, humor. The memories were short, a snapshot in time of either something he said, did, or even how he looked at her. They weren’t distracting thoughts, just memorable. Well, most of the time. 

Today was an exception. She sat in her favorite chair and allowed her mind to drift backward. Navigating the years in minutes, sometimes stopping to give certain memories more precedence than others depending on her mood. Every time she navigated this mental journey, the remembrance of the tone and pitch of his voice became harder to reproduce. At this moment, it struck her how she couldn’t remember the precise sound of it at all. Her mind producing a faux representation. 

She managed to set the cup down in time before the unexpected grief exploded and sent a cascading shockwave through her body. It felt, in many ways, she was losing him all over again. Her breath came in short gasps interrupted by heart-wrenching sobs. Life-giving oxygen invaded her lungs in loud gasps as her chest heaved in an irregular pattern. And through all this, her mind was desperately trying to recreate the sound with clarity and precision she no longer possessed. 

She couldn’t keep doing this. Pushing forward when her thoughts insisted on going back. Everyone, not just herself had lost part of who they were, who they might have become. There had to be a way to change course, turn the wheel, and set sail in a direction that didn’t invoke pain at every opportunity. Constantly having to keep herself on guard, never knowing if or when some phantom memory of the past would clash with the present and disrupt her control. She was as much a slave to this pattern of living as she was to her regrets of the past. 

The change was more than needed, it was necessary. She might have fulfilled her promise to the crew but none of them had turned out better for it over the long haul. Even Naomi and Miral had their issues with the present but were finding better ways to cope and adapt than the rest of them in many ways. However, Miral was obsessed with her career, just as she had been. Miral never had the chance to experience childhood the way she should have, and neither had Naomi. 

They grew up in a unique community, one that became normal by their standards but was lacking in all the ways that mattered and had a severe impact on their social development. There were no childhood growing pains the rest of them experienced. No having to learn the often-irrational pecking order which is created when growing up with children your age. No bullying, love-hate relationships, first crushes, kisses, dates. No rebelling against authority figures and sneaking out in the middle of the night to go to a party or meet some boy you thought you were in love with that your parents may or may not have approved of. They spent their lives preparing for service and survival, and that shouldn’t be how any child grew up as far as she was concerned.

It was then she decided to begin searching for a way to bring _Voyager_ home earlier. Starting that evening, she poured over her copy of the ship’s logs. Searching not only for a point in time that was feasible but a time when all of them were young enough to be fond of their experience and their close friendships and still return to something they could call a life instead of finding new ways to survive their traumas. Once she found it, all that was left was to find a way to implement it.


	8. Chapter 8

Mark “Hobbs” Johnson was a simple man with few pleasures. He had always been curious about the cradle of his civilization and its fundamental principles. For any complex species, from common house cats to humans and beyond to sustain their existence, it came down to Plantae. Carbon-based life needed them to survive and began cultivating a symbiotic relationship by providing light, water, and nutrient-rich soil for every variety to sprout and grow. 

They provided oxygen and we provided carbon dioxide. That’s how the relationship began. Then as humans began to show more interest in learning how to provide better cultivation techniques, the first horticulturists were born. This interest had become Mark’s passion and began applying his considerable intellect to not only understanding the physiology of plants but how he could add and improve upon their internal structures.

As much as he loved his work, there had once been another interest his biology couldn’t ignore. A woman. One he had the unique experience of witnessing grow up in the same farming community of Bloomington, Indiana: Kathryn Janeway.

The first time he noticed her he became something of a lightning rod. She was beautiful, kind, compassionate, brilliant, and was just as passionate about astrophysics and quantum mechanics as he was about Plantae. He hoped one day he might be lucky enough to attract a woman like her and spend his life in love with someone who appreciated life and science the way he did. However, he never got his hopes up that it could be her one day. 

He knew he wasn’t anything to write home about. He was skinny, geeky, and once puberty got ahold of him his face was covered in pimples. He wasn’t an athlete; a strong wind could have knocked him over. However, he was an athlete of the mind. Reading had given his imagination all the fuel he would ever require and provided him with a scintilla of understanding which allowed him to spread his intellectual wings and soar like a Pegasus through the heavens. 

As he expected, Kathryn had never given him a second look growing up. Well, not in the way he wanted her to look at him. They had formed a friendship, one that consisted of shared confidences and academic pursuits. Their combined love of reading allowed them to discuss a wider range of topics over the years. At times, he became her shoulder to cry on when hurt or disappointment came calling. Other boys she liked who shunned and wouldn’t give her the time of day, to other girls who didn’t understand her interests and shunned her for the same reasons. 

She had asked him once when they were both around the age of twelve if he thought she was pretty. It was a vulnerability he found endearing, but due to his own bias about her had difficultly answering. Of course, he found her pretty, beautiful in fact but didn’t know how to tell her and make it sound comforting instead of off-putting. She seemed to put a lot of trust into his opinions, so when he told her something, she was more likely to take it to heart. 

They were good friends as far as she was concerned, regardless of his hidden feelings about her. His brow and hands began to sweat the longer she stared at him, waiting for an answer he was bursting to give but couldn’t be completely honest about. His windpipe began to constrict airflow, making him feel lightheaded. It wasn’t too long afterward; he began to feel the world spinning on its axis. The colors around him shifted and melded together until he couldn’t tell the difference any longer and it all went black. When his eyes opened, the face he expected to see was replaced by an older concerned one leaning over him. 

“Are you alright son?” Admiral Edward Janeway questioned. 

His mouth was dry, and he had to work his tongue around to get the saliva flowing again, “Yes, sir,” Mark answered as he tried pushing himself up.

Edward’s large hands came to his aid and helped him to a sitting position, “Not too fast. Give yourself a moment,” he instructed as a soft smile spread across his lips, “You had Kathryn scared. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her run so fast.”

The blood in Mark’s face began to seek out the little cervices in his cheeks, forming a deep red pattern, “I didn’t mean to worry anyone,” and shrugged his shoulders, “Maybe I shouldn’t have skipped breakfast this morning,” Mark offered, attempting to explain. 

Edward chuckled and gave him a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, “Kathryn is waiting at the house for your mother to arrive. They should be here any minute. Just take a moment to rest.”

Nodding, Mark began taking several deep breaths to try and calm himself, although it didn’t seem to be doing much to hide his embarrassment of the situation as Edward moved to sit beside him. 

Several moments of silence passed between them before he spoke again, “You’re a good guy Hobbs. I could see that from the first moment I met you six years ago after we moved here. You’ve always been such a good friend to my Kathryn, but it’s a shame.”

When he didn’t continue, Mark turned his face toward him and met his eyes. There was kindness, a glint of mischief, and profound understanding, “What’s that sir?” He found himself asking softly. 

The smile on Edward's lips widened as he put an arm around his shoulders, “That she doesn’t like you the way you do her.”

Mark’s eyes widened in horror, he could feel the crimson leaving his cheeks temporarily only to reassert itself full force and cover his entire body, making him appear closer in color to the beets in his vegetable garden. _“How did he know? Did Kathryn tell him what they were talking about?”_ He thought in a panic, _“No, she wouldn’t have mentioned the question to her father of all people. Would she?”_

As if Edward had suddenly acquired telepathy he assured, “Kathryn didn’t say anything to me if that’s what you’re wondering. I don’t think she’s even aware of your feelings if I’m being honest. As one guy to another, I could tell by the _look_.”

Confused and curious, Mark wondered aloud, “What look?” 

“The same look every guy has when he meets a girl that he wants to be more than good friends with. I think it’s programmed into our DNA,” Edward said with a chuckle, “Your secret is safe with me Hobbs. Don’t worry,” and patted him firmly on the back before placing his hand on the ground and using it as a kick-stand. 

Mark never forgot that moment, it was a treasured memory of Kathryn’s father he cherished. Just as he had cherished her. Time had forced his feelings to lessen once he thought she died. Although his love for her kept his hope high far longer than most. He never thought he could bring himself to ever say goodbye. It had taken an extraordinary amount of willpower to walk away from her. Even now, after twenty-eight years of separation, he still wasn’t sure how he managed to fall in love with another woman, marry, and start a family, but he had. 

By the time she reached out and asked if he would be interested in meeting her for brunch, neither was holding any torches for the other. Too much life separated them, only leaving warm feelings of friendship and a small window of shared history. 

They met at a local diner in their hometown. As he sat in the booth awaiting her arrival, he almost didn’t recognize her without the Starfleet uniform or the long auburn hair. It was funny how the mind plays tricks on you. The last time he saw her in person was a month before she left to assume command of _Voyager_. A month before that, he had proposed marriage and she accepted. 

“Mark?” Kathryn questioned after approaching the booth. 

Even if he didn’t make the visual connection immediately, the voice registered instantly in his brain. He’d never met another woman who had the same deep, nearly seductive undertones he heard when she spoke, “Kathryn?”

Her smile could still light up a room. It was one of the things he always noticed. Standing, he embraced her in a friendly hug and felt the same strength and sturdiness he remembered before parting. Gesturing to the seat across from him, both sat and stared at the other for a moment. Each taking a mental assessment of the other physical changes. 

He’d never seen her with short hair, so the fact she was wearing it in a style that was brushed back and stopped just below her ears was a sight he was trying to get used to. 

She was still trying to get past the full beard, never mind how short he wore his hair now. His hair had gone a mixture of white and grey shortly before they started dating and was completely grey and white by the time, she left for what was supposed to be a three-week mission to the badlands. 

“How long have you had a beard?” She asked, a hint of a smile on her lips. 

Without thought, his hand reached up and rubbed it gently, “About fifteen years or so. Karen hated it at first, but eventually, it grew on her,” he dropped his hand down and pointed to her hair, “When did you decide to cut yours off?”

“Oh, that must have been around twenty-five years ago,” She answered dropping her head to the side and her eyes gazing up at the ceiling as she thought back before meeting them again, “As much as I liked my hair long, the upkeep just wasn’t practical.”

He smiled, “You look good.”

Her smile returned, “So do you. I’m pleased you were willing to catch up after all this time.”

“I must admit I was surprised to receive a call from you after so long. To be honest, I never expected to hear from you after sending you that letter about how I married someone else. I thought it might be too awkward under those circumstances,” Mark admitted uncomfortably, “and when I didn’t receive a reply, I knew that was probably the last time I would speak with you.”

“Well…I needed time to process what you told me. I knew you would eventually move on with your life someday, it would be unrealistic of me to presume you wouldn’t. So, tell me about your wife? Did you have any children?” She asked diverging the topic slightly. The letter was still a sore subject but shouldn’t have been after all these years. 

He nodded, his expression becoming slightly serious, “Karen died two years ago in a hovercar crash.”

Her hand immediately reached out and covered the one he had resting on the table between them, “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright,” he assured, “It was instant, and she didn’t suffer. I can at least be thankful for that. As far as children, we had one, Kevin. He’s finishing his junior year in college.”

“That’s wonderful,” she said with a smile, “What’s he studying?”

A waitress came over long enough to take their order. When she left, he continued.

“He’s studying to be an oceanographer. He wants to explore the entire depth of the oceans on Earth. Even after this many centuries, there’s still so much about the deep sea and ocean creatures we have yet to discover. So, he wants to be the first,” he answered with a proud grin, “How about you? Any husband or children I should know about?”

She shook her head gently, appearing just a tad remorseful, “No. I’m an eternal bachelorette. Besides,” she began with a laugh, “due to my previous circumstances, it wasn’t a feasible option.”

“I suppose not,” he agreed, his voice taking on a touch of sadness. 

“Don’t do that,” she warned.

“Do what?” Mark asked, clearly confused.

“Be sad for me. My life has turned out fine,” She promised.

“I’m not sure I would feel the same under those circumstances,” he acknowledged, “How long did you spend out there?”

“Twenty-three years.” 

The tea arrived for her and coffee for him with cream and two sugars. 

After taking a sip he continued, “I can’t imagine how lonely, not to mention nerve-wracking that experience must have been for you.”

She smiled and took a sip of her tea before setting the cup back on its saucer, “It wasn’t as bad as you might think. We became a family out there. The years only strengthened it,” Kathryn finished and took another sip from the teacup. 

He nodded and drank a few more sips of coffee, allowing the tension that was slowly building between them to settle, “So, no more coffee?”

Kathryn chuckled, “No, just tea now. I’ve become quite fond of it in my old age.”

“We’re not that old Kathryn,” He challenged playfully.

“Yes, we are,” she countered, a hint of mischief in her eye. It was the same look her father had given him once a long time ago, “We’re relics from a dying age.”

“Should I start referring to you as Nyasasaurus?” He joked.

Frowning, Kathryn tapped her fingers on the table in faux irritation, “I’m not the oldest dinosaur in the world Mark.”

Laughing he remarked, “Agreed, you’re much prettier.”

Their food arrived and each began to organize their plates and season them accordingly. Once they truly began to eat their brunch, they fell into a comfortable easy silence. 

He couldn’t stop thinking about why she’d asked to meet him after being back for over five years. If she wanted to rekindle their friendship, he thought she would have tried sooner. However, this was a woman who possessed a mercurial nature he’d forgotten about after the years of separation and was slowly beginning to be reminded. 

“I saw your sister Phoebe yesterday when I was in the city center. Where is she keeping herself these days?” He asked casually.

“Busy I imagine,” came her automatic reply, “You do happen to remember what she does for a living right?”

As he gave it some thought, he remembered, “She’s an artist.”

Kathryn nodded, “She moved back to the family home when our mother was having difficulty getting around. Now that she’s passed, she’s keeping it as her residence and created an art studio inside. I’ve been staying with her for the past four days before I begin my new assignment.”

“Is it classified?” He asked, remembering very well was it was like to date a high-ranking officer in Starfleet. 

“I’m afraid so. However, I don’t expect I will be gone too long. Maybe just a couple of months,” Kathryn stated before placing a bit of scrambled egg in her mouth and chewed. It wasn’t the best breakfast she’d ever had, but it was certainly better than many of the meals she had on _Voyager_ over the years. Chell’s cooking style was certainly _unique_ and took a lot of getting used to.

Mark decided it was best to wait until after the meal and they were taking a short walk around the area before asking any more questions.

Standing side by side, her eyes gazed at the rows of crops being grown across the street. The only ones she could see currently were Corn, wheat, and barley, “I’d forgotten how peaceful it is here,” she remarked, allowing her hand to graze the stalks of corn they passed. 

“I didn’t. I always knew I wanted to come back to this place someday once my work with the Quester Group had ended. Living here had given way to some of the best times in my life. My parents are still living in that old house on Chestnut Avenue,” he said putting his hands in his pockets. 

“That is astounding. I hope you see them often,” She admired.

“As often as I can,” He answered and silence fell between them once more, “Kathryn, can I ask you something?”

“Certainly,” she replied unwavered. 

“I can’t help wondering…why now?” 

Lines of confusion formed on her brow, “I’m not sure what you mean.” 

He stopped and looked up at her, their eyes meeting when she turned back to face him, “Why have you chosen to reach out to me after all this time?”

Kathryn was unphased by the question, “I suppose I did it because I remembered the kind of man you were, and how close we used to be. Maybe I needed a friend I could relate to who wasn’t Starfleet and could remind me what it’s like to see life without looking through a Federation lens.”

Nodding Mark replied, “I see.”

“If you don’t want to be friends, I certainly won’t try and force you,” Kathryn said clasping her hands behind her back, “I know a lot of years have passed between us since we spoke last.”

Agreeing he smiled, “We’ve always been friends Kathryn, that will never change.”

“Good,” she stated, a half-smile creeping across her lips.

“And as our first official act as reacquainted friends, I propose we meet up for drinks later at the Jazz bar in town. I know it’s your favorite music. How long has it been since you’ve seen a live band?” He queried. 

“Years,” came her reply, “I think it’s a wonderful idea. What time?”

“Eight o’clock?”

“I’ll be there,” She assured with a smile.

They altered their walking pattern to head toward the public transport site where they would go home, take care of anything that needed doing, then met back here for an evening of relaxation and good company. Tonight, she would put her worries aside, and allow herself to enjoy life, if only once.


	9. Chapter 9

Admiral Gerald Ledel, Jerry to those who knew him, was one of the admirals who had debriefed _Voyager’s_ crew when they returned to Earth six years ago. In many ways, he wasn’t surprised by the loyalty they showed their captain. It was she, for better or worse, who had kept them all together and fulfilled a twenty-three-year promise. Although they were grateful, many of them did have mixed feelings about their captain when it came to specific instances over the years. Not every decision or action was going to be perfect or even popular, and if he were being honest with himself, he wasn’t certain if he would have fared better if faced with the same circumstances. 

What he began to understand about her during those debriefings, was a woman who was brilliant, resourceful, courageous, protective, fearless, and a risk-taker. She was a force to be reckoned with when her crew was threatened, and an inspiring figure when it came to upholding the values and principles of the Federation when it would have been easier in many cases due to their precarious circumstances to modify those edicts. 

There was a consensus among the crew that her personality began to take a permanent shift around the eighth year of their journey. The close friendship she and her first officer Chakotay shared began to wane. It wasn’t the first time this occurred. Similar instances when she decided to ally with the Borg during their battle with species 8472 and the _Equinox_ were mentioned. Later instances such as the attempted genocide by the Rathor to murder their rivals of the Fauthmox consortium and her extreme defiance of the barbaric legal system of the Astrogi were also brought up. They weren’t exactly Janeway’s proudest moments, but they did tell the admiralty as to what kind of person and officer she is. 

Seven of nine’s death, Commander Tuvok’s neurological disease, the death of additional crew members also played pivotal roles in her behavioral and personality changes. She was friendly but hardened by personal losses and harrowing experiences. They had to admit the journey and losses harmed their psyche, and many of her crew couldn’t fault her behavior when they held similar sentiments. Hindsight being twenty-twenty.

Like any family, they had their highs and lows. And even if they didn’t necessarily agree with every decision she made over the years, they would adamantly defend her. Expressing a mentality that clearly stated that we as a family can have disagreements, fights, or animosity toward each other from time to time, but any outsiders were unwelcomed to judge or attack her on any level. To do so would invite an immediate and aggressive response. He understood and even admired that level of loyalty considering the nature of their community. 

He never debriefed her personally, that was Admiral Suzanna Hinkley’s job. However, he was able to read a copy of the debriefing once it was completed along with all the others. As he did, he learned that Captain Janeway had practically moved into Starfleet Medical to care for her first officer until his passing. It didn’t seem odd, considering the nature of the crew’s familial relationships. Despite the nature of their positions, their friendship, based on all accounts from the crew, had waned after Chakotay and Seven began seeing each other romantically. It wasn’t until her untimely death they turned to each other for support, once again strengthening their close bonds of friendship.

When the crew had been asked during those debriefings if their relationship had evolved into anything, they felt might have been inappropriate, uncomfortable, or violated Starfleet protocol. Their responses ranged from dismissive to defensive. The question had not been asked to judge or admonish any personal association, romantic or otherwise. It was only asked as a means of understanding the nature of their relationship and to clarify what the crew meant when they described them as “close”.

It was none of their business as far as many of them were concerned, and the ones who didn’t have an immediate visceral reaction would only state, when asked for clarification, is that they never saw any evidence of it. But did add that if they were romantically involved at any point, it didn’t affect the command structure or ship's functions. 

He had been a widower going on eighteen years and a father of two with three grandchildren. He tried to start dating again at his children’s behest four years after the love of his life passed but never met anyone who had the same intellectual curiosity for all things scientific as he did. Eventually, after a couple of years, he stopped dating. His entire focus became his children and career. Although it was hard to balance the two as a single parent, and he certainly had his share of struggles over the years, but through it all, they grew to become a tight family unit. He didn’t see any difference between his relationship with his children and that of the _Voyager_ crew. If the opposite had occurred, not only would he have considered it odd, but _Voyager_ most likely would never have made it back to the Alpha quadrant.

As Commander Chakotay lay dying, there was a real concern as to whether she would return to service once he was gone. In many ways, he would have understood perfectly had she decided to retire. By that time, she had already served the fleet for forty-one years. Twenty-three of them served in the furthest reaches of the galaxy on the longest deep space sojourn in Starfleet history. The fleet didn’t want to lose her. The unique knowledge, experience, and leadership abilities she’d cultivated and possessed was something all of them could learn from. So, they offered her the position as Vice Admiral while she was on leave, hoping that by the time she made up her mind, the offer would influence her decision. In the end, she opted to accept the promotion.

The first time Gerald met her in person was the day he was assigned to be her liaison. He was tasked to train her, show her the ropes, and impress upon her the functions and nature of the position she’d accepted and brought her up to speed on the Federation’s current situation. Answer any questions she had about the past and especially the last eight years after losing contact with her ship. 

Working with her over the next few months gave him firsthand insight into the kind of woman she is now compared to the one he’d read about when she assumed command of _Voyager_. The two women were like night and day. Her younger self held a passion for openness, exploration, science, and discovery. The woman he met was one who seemed more interested in strategy, tactics, resources, and diplomacy. He wasn’t surprised by her way of thinking; she had been used to functioning in survival mode for so many years by then it became the main tools in her belt rather than being kept in a reserve toolbox on hand. 

It took several weeks before they could have a conversation that didn’t directly involve work. Small talk was something she didn’t engage in, preferring to keep things professional always. Privacy was held at an almost fanatical value. Friendship wasn’t truly accepted by anyone outside her family but could project friendliness. These were skills honed and forged by the fires of her command. They were proven methods that protected her psyche and her crew from a quadrant that, at times, was intent on their destruction. 

She projected an intimidating presence whether it was intentional or not. When she entered a room people took notice, unable to prevent themselves from observing the way she carried herself, spoke, or engaged with others. When asked to speak at the return celebration for _Voyager_ , her mood and expression were unreadable as she thought it over. Only agreeing because it was expected. Drawing attention to herself when it wasn’t necessary was a feat she could never overcome once she was back in friendly territory. It was unlikely there wasn’t anyone in the Federation who hadn’t heard of her over the years, exalting her and her crew to a kind of mythic status long before reaching Earth. 

The first time he heard her laugh or saw a smile was when he happened to be heading to their assigned work area after their lunch hour had ended. He was still in the process of familiarizing her with the latest regulations she hadn’t been privy to over the last eight years when he heard this deep-throated laugh emanating down the corridor. It wasn’t until he stepped into the room that he knew for certain it was coming from her. 

She was staring down at the monitor with a wide smile gracing her lips, lighting up the room. He thought he was seeing another person for a few seconds and not the Kathryn Janeway he had been working with over the last six weeks. She was radiant with warmth, affection, and even more lovely than what he noticed during their previous meetings. The moment she realized he was in the room, the transformation back into the woman he was familiar with was instantaneous.

“I’m sorry Captain, I have to get back to work. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to reach out to me,” she said.

The good-natured banter they’d just been having was squashed and the person she was addressing had made a similar transformation. Each returning to their previous states, _“Of course Admiral, I will do that. Take care of yourself.”_ The male voice intoned.

“You too, Janeway out,” she replied and cut the link. 

As her eyes made her way to his face, he felt as if he’d just intruded on a private moment, “I’m sorry Kathryn, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

She waved a dismissive hand, “Are you ready to get back to work Gerald?” All business again.

“You know,” he said slowly, “You can call me Jerry. I’ve rarely ever been addressed by that name. I’m pretty certain I’ve asked you to do that before,” Jerry said offering a smile, trying to convey a nonconfrontational appearance.

Her eyes gave a prelude to a hint of narrowing before pushing herself up from the desk and gave an acknowledging nod, “You have made that request before, and I apologize for not honoring it. I will attempt to make more of an effort in the future,” then moved toward him, “You were going to take me to see where my new office will be after lunch if I remember correctly.”

“Yes,” Jerry nodded and gestured for her to precede him out the door before joining her in the corridor, “I think you’ve probably gotten the best view out of all of us. It used to be Admiral Teran’s old office before she retired two months ago. Maintenance is almost finished restoring it to a neutral palette,” he said with a smile, garnering a raised eyebrow in response, “Let’s just say she had some fairly unique tastes, even for Betazoid’s.”

She stared straight ahead, never giving him, or anyone, any hint as to her true feelings at any given moment. Each expression she gave was carefully measured and considered before any presentation. It was something she had learned to do over the years out of what she considered to be a necessity. He hoped, once she became used to being home, she would stop living in survival mode. Not knowing at the time, it would take a little over two years before a few of her old behavior patterns began to resurface. 

Over the last six years, they formed what he would call a “safe” friendship. She never shared much of her personal experiences with him, mostly sticking to benign subjects when she became comfortable enough to share any thoughts beyond professional. So, when she came asking two years ago if he was familiar with the leader of a Klingon house of moderate influence named Korath, he was pleased that she appeared to be finally opening herself up a little more by requesting his thoughts.

Her development of strategy and tactics, especially when it came to the Borg was sought often, and for the first year, it seemed to be the only thing the Federation wanted to learn from her more than any other. Eventually, when they saw her diplomatic skills in action, realized they had been ignoring yet another powerful untapped resource. From then on, she was assigned as one of their lead diplomats when it came to the Federations association with the Klingon Empire. This is how she had become familiar with the House of Korath. 

“I’ve heard some interesting things about him,” he replied, “Why do you ask?”

Sitting in the chair across from his desk, she appeared somewhat relaxed, but her eyes were penetrating. He knew it was something she probably wasn’t aware of, having done it out of habit for so many years, and why most people she encountered felt they were being scrutinized under that stare. 

“I’ve just recently had the privilege,” the last word was spoken with a touch of sarcasm, “of meeting him. He tends to believe he’s more important to the Empire than what he’s being given credit for. I understand he’s viewed as a bit of an extremist by the Federation and considered to be one of the Empire’s more _unfavorable_ elements,” Kathryn stated.

Nodding, Jerry leaned back in his chair, “That’s true. He’s developed some dangerous technology over the years from my understanding. The third Khitomer Accords, banned the use of temporal weapons or technologies which could severely alter or impact the timeline,” Sitting up in his chair, he leaned forward onto his desk and clasped his hands together, eyeing her warily, a thought occurring to him, “You haven’t learned anything that might affect the treaty…Have you?”

Her expression was effortlessly unreadable, “No. I’ve been working with some of his liaisons regarding his request for support from the Federation to apply pressure on the Empire. He wants a seat on the high council, and I thought it would be a good idea to gather as many impressions as I can about him before I seriously consider lending any support.”

“I see,” he replied leaning back in the chair again, “I would recommend caution. Korath can be extremely unpredictable and usually has an ulterior motive regarding any request or action he takes.”

A slight smile spread across her lips, “Don’t we all.”


	10. Chapter 10

“The colors of the world are not as bright as the ones we create ourselves,” Phoebe Janeway stated to her small class. 

A mix of expressions was reflected at her. Each student had thoughts as to what she might be talking about. Josh, a young talented artist in his twenties raised his hand. Acknowledging him, he lowered it and with uncertainty asked, “What does this have to do with art?”

Phoebe gazed back at him with crossed arms, her head leaning slightly to the left. Her long curly hair, once dark brown many years ago, had faded to the most neutral color imaginable, white. Shifting position in the loose ponytail across her back, it peeked over her shoulder, “It’s all about perspective Josh. When you see the colors of a sunset compared to a sunrise, which do you find more vibrant? The sunrise or the sunset? It all depends on your own bias as a person as to which you see as more lovely than the other. There’s no shame in any preference. It’s your job as the artist to tell the story you want others to see. When you create something it’s not a replication of the object. It’s your interpretation of the object which is being shared.”

The door behind the class opened quietly and her sister Kathryn stepped into the room. Phoebe’s eyes addressed her presence, it was the only signal of acknowledgment. 

Straightening, the tone of Phoebe’s voice changed to one of neutrality, “That’s enough for today. I’ll see you next week. Have a wonderful weekend.”

The students stood and began putting away their supplies into their art kits before trickling out the door. Once the last one left, Phoebe’s eyes returned to her sister and asked, “I was about to make a cup of tea. Would you like one?”

“Yes, thank you,” Kathryn replied following her into the kitchen.

Turning on the kettle, she pulled down two cups and saucers from the cabinet above and placed them on the counter before reaching for the tea canister, “Milk? Lemon?” She asked, her back still turned. 

“Plain,” Kathryn replied taking a seat at the kitchen table, “How have you been?”

“How should I be?” She replied, answering her question with a question. Her fingers fidgeting with the tea infusers.

There was no mistaking the hint of hostility in her tone. Kathryn wasn’t surprised, it had been almost a year since they’d spoken last, “Let me apologize right upfront. I know I’ve been a horrible sister to you since I’ve returned, and I wouldn’t blame you in the least if you never wanted to see or hear from me again.”

Putting the infusers into the cups, she poured in water from the whistling kettle. Now, she had chosen not to reply, only busying herself with the task of making tea before turning around with two steaming cups on saucers. Placing one in front of her sister, she quietly took the seat across from her and made eye contact as she took a sip. After several moments she said softly, “You’ve certainly been neglectful, but not horrible. However, I must admit I’m not surprised.”

Kathryn raised a curious eyebrow as she stared at her, setting her cup back onto its saucer after taking a sip, “What makes you say that?”

Phoebe raised an eyebrow in return, although hers appeared knowing, “You don’t live in a vacuum, Kathryn. I’m sure you’re aware of the person you’ve become.”

Staring unblinkingly into her sister’s eyes she replied, “And what do you believe I have become?”

When they met for the first time after so many years of separation, she felt as though she were staring at a stranger. Phoebe’s once fiery temper had calmed dramatically over the years along with her appearance. In her mind she always saw her as this young headstrong woman with a flair for the dramatic, disseminating her opinions whether they were welcome or not. She was more understanding, reasonable, patient, and to be honest it was something that still threw her off every time they spoke. There didn’t seem to be any familiar personality traits she could relate to anymore. They had become alien to each other. 

Phoebe again didn’t reply right away, only studied her sister's face for a moment before stating, slightly surprised, “Maybe you really don’t see it,” then casually took a sip from her cup. 

“If you have something you want to say I wish you would just say it,” Kathryn felt she was being scrutinized as if she were something being studied and observed in a petri dish, and it was slowly making her ire rise. The calmness her sister projected only seemed to make the feeling worse.

Sighing, she sat down the cup and offered Kathryn her hand. Hesitantly, she took it. Locking eyes with her she said, “I want you to listen to me very carefully because I’m only going to say this once. I’m not judging you. The years you spent in the Delta quadrant had to have been some of the most harrowing and fulfilling times of your life. You’ve done something no other human has done before, Captain a starship across an unknown quadrant with no certainty of success. What you must have experienced over those years I can’t begin to imagine and I’m not going to try.

“No one can utterly understand what that’s like unless they’ve gone through it. But it has changed you for better or worse. You are my sister, and I will always love you even if I don’t understand you. I certainly won’t admonish your choices or who you chose to spend your time with. I know we’ve never been close, and I foolishly thought there would be plenty of time to correct that when I was older. I just didn’t think I’d be this much older when finally given the opportunity. If I appear hostile about anything, it’s because I haven’t seen you more than a handful of times since you’ve been back, and we still haven’t found a way to connect, but I’m determined to keep trying.”

Kathryn hadn’t noticed her face was wet until her hand rose to absently wipe the tears from her cheeks. She hadn’t cried, _really_ cried in years and now she couldn’t stop herself. Phoebe had said everything she’d been waiting to hear from someone, _anyone_ for years without realizing it. 

So many people had been judging her actions, decisions, not to mention her behavior since she returned. Even the counselors she was ordered to see to help her make sense and peace with everything that’s happened to her over the years never understood what she was saying but pretended to. What she needed to hear without knowing is for someone to say hey, I don’t get or fathom what those years were like for you, and I won't begin to try. 

Phoebe rose from her seat and knelt in front of her. Releasing her hand, she put out her arms, and Kathryn fell into them before consciously making the decision. And into her sister's shoulder, she poured out all her feelings of grief, loss, regret, and fear in an overwhelming cascade of emotion she couldn’t control. It needed to be done. It needed to have _been_ done years ago before it reached this point of internalization. 

Once the tears trickled back, it felt as though a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. By the time she left her sister’s home, they had established an emerging friendship, one they both felt signaled some hope for their relationship. Kathryn took that newfound weightlessness with her, and even though she wasn’t the woman she once was, she was happier, and it was a start.


	11. Chapter 11

Chronokinetic devices can alter time on a smaller scale. Technically it was still a violation of the third Khitomer Accords, even if it was only being used to manipulate time on a specific subatomic level. What Korath had invented, and was still perfecting, was a chronokinetic projector designed for medical use. At least that’s what he was selling the idea as. According to him, it could be used to target a mutated cell, genetic sequence, etc., and use it to reverse the adverse effects through time manipulation. 

If harnessed correctly, viruses, bacteria, or any pernicious agent could be targeted and eliminated from a host. It would cure any disease or genetic defect by reversing any mutation back to a point before the damage occurred. Thereby giving the scientist a clean slate to work from to modify or remove the undesirable elements and give the patient a normal healthy life. The problem he was having, was that the device generated too much chronokinetic energy and tended to burnout, making it only viable as a one-shot use. 

Once Admiral Janeway had learned of his invention, she held more than just scientific curiosity, she saw it as a potential means to an end if she could obtain it. However, she would need to find a way to make that possible, and since Korath could be fickle, his mood and desires often changing on a whim, it would be a monumental challenge for her to get him to part with it. She did have some leverage, his desire to attain a seat on the Klingon High Council. 

She had been doing everything she could to get to know every secret, desire, and whim. It was slow going. His oversized ego, grandiose sense of importance, and fanatical need for secrecy made the task extremely difficult. He was brilliant and he knew it. Which can, in some people, cause a few undesirable behavioral quirks, and Korath had plenty to spare. 

Over time, they had developed a tremulous friendship, partly due to the carrot she was dangling over his head. B’Elanna had given up her ambassadorial duties by then and opted to be a liaison to the Klingon High Council to spend more time with her husband and hopefully their daughter. At this stage of the game, Miral was one of the few people she could fully trust to do the job she needed without asking questions. 

So, when she sent her to work with Korath, it was not without an ulterior motive. She promised, that if he would give her the device, she would use her influence to get him a seat on the council. The offer proved to be too tempting for him to resist. He agreed and allowed Ensign Miral Paris to work with his people to modify the device to her specifications.

Hers was not the only help she needed. When Reginald Barkley approached her about being a guest lecturer for the upcoming semester, she saw it as an opportunity and not a burden. Besides, he was an honorary member of the family and had done everything short of hijacking a Borg cube to help bring them home. He proved how much he’d come to care about them on a personal level. 

He’d arranged for the ship at the Oakland shipyard. The Doctor helping her with the drug she needed after their ten-year reunion even if he didn’t know why she needed the experimental medication. B’Elanna had used her influence to help Korath gain his seat on the high council, and Kathryn had been deceived by the Klingon. However, she had a few tricks up her sleeve which allowed her to obtain the device whether he liked it or not. 

She had been stopped by Captain Harry Kim just as she’d lost the Klingons and had to remind him of what their lives had become due to their twenty-three years in exile. How not everyone had even been lucky to survive the trip at all. Too many of them had been lost over the years, and the rest had been so haunted by their experience they felt there was no life left to live, she counted herself among them. 

He decided to help her, allowed her to return to the past and encounter _Voyager_ within the seventh year of their journey. The year before everything started going to hell. It became a fight with her younger self at every turn. Until she realized that this was not the crew she remembered so well, the next sixteen years hadn’t happened yet. So, she and Captain Janeway concocted a plan that would allow them to destroy the hub along with the Borg as they were then. 

As the Admiral stood in the Queen’s chambers, the Borg technology invading her mind and body, she was proud of the blow struck. She thought of Chakotay briefly, of Seven, Tuvok, and all the people she’d lost over the years. Today they would be given the chance to live their lives over. They would reach home and begin a new chapter that didn’t consist of deep-seated traumas. From now on, whatever path or any decision taken was up to them. The thought made her smile before fire instantly consumed her, bringing a peace she hadn’t known in years.

***

Admiral Kathryn Janeway was an intimidating figure due to her legendary status. The last year alone proved that to her on more than one occasion. Seven years, it had been a hell of a ride, and one she would never forget. 

Of all the choices she’d made over the years, there were many she wished she would have handled differently if able to relive them, knowing then what she knew now. However, it wasn’t that important in the overall scheme of things. It certainly wasn’t enough of a regret that she would try and alter the past. She did wonder what would have convinced her future self to take the risk. 

It wasn’t until she was home in the Alpha quadrant that she received a time-delayed message for playback from her future self once she entered her apartment. Sitting at her desk, she saw the Admiral staring back at her, a slight smile on her face. 

_“I enjoyed our talk,”_ she paused, gathering her thoughts, _“It’s strange talking to myself like this. We lost touch with each other a long time ago. The journey changed me, our crew, as it did my relationship with them,”_ Her smile widened as if she knew even now what she was thinking, _“Don’t worry, we remained a family, even when we couldn’t relate to our own after so many years. It didn’t take long for all of us to realize that we didn’t belong there anymore. We had changed too much; our friends and family became strangers.”_

The Admiral’s expression grew pensive, _“I know that wasn’t what either of us planned. We were so obsessed with the promise, the reason it gave us to keep going. If this works, I will have spared you and your crew the pain of having to experience what we did. You reminded me of the person I used to be, and I meant it when I said I was glad to get to know you again. So, don’t waste it. If you do, I’ll find another way to return to the past and knock some sense into you,”_ she stated with a laugh.

_“I’ve found a way to rewind the clock, and I expect you to make better use of the time than I did. I was too old when we returned after living in survival mode for so long, I didn’t know how to live my life unless I was having to look over my shoulder. You, still have a life to go back to, make it count Captain.”_

The message ended, and even though the message was brief, it gave her a lot to think about.


	12. Chapter 12

Most of Janeway’s former crew had decided to pursue other interests outside the fleet when they returned. Leaving a good sixty officers and crewman who wanted to continue their career. Some maquis chose to stay, others wanted to reclaim what was left of their lives and spend it with family for a while. Once they had finished their debriefings, all of them were encouraged to take some time off before accepting any new assignment or promotion, even the ones who didn’t want to stay were given time to reconsider before completely making up their minds.

Everyone arrived in casual attire for the first _Voyager_ reunion. Janeway was now a Vice Admiral, and in her first official act, promoted Chakotay to Captain of _Voyager_. Tom wanted to leave Starfleet to pursue other interests, such as publishing his holo-novels. B’Elanna hadn’t decided yet if she wanted to return to the fleet, wanting to spend as much time with Miral as possible before making any decisions. 

Harry had been promoted to Lieutenant Commander before the year ended. Showing that he had the knowledge and experience to warrant a quick promotion. Tuvok returned to Vulcan to first undergo the _fal-tor-voh_ to correct his neurological imbalance and spend some time with family and a Vulcan master to maintain his logical focus. 

The Doctor and Seven went to work for separate divisions of Starfleet Medical and Scientific Research. Seven and Chakotay’s romantic interest now that they were home, began to wane until they mutually agreed their relationship wasn’t going to work out. It seemed that Seven had been developing feelings, however, it was for those of the female persuasion. 

Up until the reunion, there had been quite a few changes in Chakotay’s life over the last year. The one thing he hadn’t expected was the immediate visceral reaction to the sight of Kathryn Janeway when she entered the room. In many ways, it felt as if no time had passed. The feelings he still had for her felt raw and forbidding. He had been keeping them suppressed for so many years it was surprising how they suddenly came rushing back to the surface the moment he laid eyes on her. Time and another relationship had not dulled them, and he suspected by how long these feelings continued to invade his thoughts that they would never truly dissolve regardless of how much time had passed. 

She was no longer his commanding officer, which had been the main reason why nothing evolved other than a close friendship over the years. He suspected during their time in the Delta quadrant she held similar feelings for him, but nothing was ever verbally admitted, it was safer for both of them to focus on getting _Voyager_ home and letting anything beyond that mutual desire remain unspoken and unacknowledged. 

Now they were home, and both single. He had heard through the family that Janeway had gone on a couple of dates with Admiral James Noonan, but nothing ever came of it. He also tried dating and had gone on a couple of dates with a Betazoid Captain Jinnat Ovoid. She was nice enough, beautiful, but there was no chemistry between them. It also didn’t help that she was able to read his thoughts and know what he was feeling every time they were together. 

He found himself comparing every woman he became romantically involved with against Kathryn, even Seven. They shared a few similar traits, but he believed that came more from Seven’s emulation of Kathryn’s behavior when regaining her humanity due to their kind of mother/daughter relationship. 

She hadn’t spotted him yet amongst the group of over three hundred. Which not only included the crew but their families. He had invited Sekaya, but she was unable to attend the gathering but promised she would make it up to him. Their home colony on Dorvan wasn’t exactly close to Earth, and as one of their spiritual leaders, it was difficult to find time to get away. 

He watched her scanning the room with her eyes as if she were looking for someone. As the crew came up to greet her and introduce their children, wives, husbands who wanted to personally thank her for bringing their loved one home, she became instantly engaged in the conversation before being approached by the next group. It was one of the things he always admired about her, how she could make someone feel as if they were the most important person in the room. It was something he often struggled with, being able to effortlessly generate that kind of warmth with someone he didn’t know well. 

Making his way to the bar they had set up, he ordered a drink and sat back watching the crowd with some interest. They were all so comfortable with each other even after most of them hadn’t spoken to each other in nearly a year in most cases. He wondered how durable their family unit would continue to remain, say after five years, or ten. Would they still see each other as beyond family?

He began chatting with Harry and Tom as they sat at the bar and had a drink, discussing old times, what they’ve been doing over the last year before others joined their group. Chakotay had not been aware as to how much time had passed. Eventually, he noticed Kathryn sitting at the opposite end of the bar. Excusing himself, he made his way over and took the seat beside her.

“Fancy meeting you here,” he said with a playful grin.

She gave him a half-smile, a twinkle of mischief in her eye, “You seem to be extremely popular.”

His grin spread into a wide smile, “You should meet the captain I used to serve under. She’s been promoted to admiral you know, and I think everyone in the room crowded around her the moment she arrived.”

“Really?” She questioned in feigned surprise, “I was not aware of that. Perhaps I should keep an eye out for her.”

“Perhaps you should. I understand she’s quite a formable woman,” he replied, the smile still lingering on his lips after taking a sip from his glass. Allowing the playful banter to fade he said, “How are you, Kathryn?”

She nodded, the smile present but not as pronounced, “Busy. Too busy it seems. How about you Chakotay? Commanding _Voyager_ everything you hoped?”

“It’s much harder than I expected. You made everything look so effortless, but I think I’ve gotten the hang of it,” He replied, his warm brown eyes staring into hers.

“It wasn’t always so, but I’m a quick study,” She replied, her clear blue gaze locked with his. 

It had been nearly a year since either of them had spoken, much less face to face. The level of familiarity they had with one another hadn’t seemed affected by the passage of time as they continued to catch up on events of the previous year. Within a couple of hours, they were still sitting at the bar and continuing to converse as they discussed which crew members decided to stay on and serve under Captain Chakotay. A few of them came by to bid them goodnight as the gathering ended.

As they left behind the others, Kathryn threaded her arm through his as they headed toward the public transport site. When they arrived, he smiled at her and said, “It was great seeing you tonight. I know you have a busy schedule but do try and reach out to me ever so often. I always enjoy speaking to you.”

Nodding Kathryn found she didn’t want to let go of his arm, and he didn’t seem to want to either. Raising her hand, she placed it on top of his and met his eyes directly. In the depths, she could see how his feelings for her hadn’t changed, the same feelings she still harbored for him, “The evening doesn’t have to end unless you have something you need to do. If you’re agreeable, we could go have a cup of coffee and talk some more.”

“Coffee sounds great,” he replied giving her arm a gentle squeeze, “besides, I’ve never seen the inside of an admiral’s apartment. It has to be larger than mine.”

She laughed, “Probably,” and put in the coordinates for her district.

Moments later, they would materialize on the public transport pad a block away from her home.


	13. Chapter 13

Taking the late-night stroll back to her apartment, it felt good walking with her on his arm. He noted how she leaned against him slightly as they walked. The casual comfortable manner of their body language and slow steps that implied they were in no hurry to be anywhere. They walked in silence, enjoying the other’s company. Anything that needed to be said could wait until they were inside. 

She squeezed his arm affectionately, flashing him a lop-sided smile. A soft smile crept upon his lips without realization, it appeared in direct response to hers. When she began to slow down and then indicated the door to her apartment building, they stepped inside and rode the lift to her floor. What he noticed was how large the building was compared to where his residence was located, albeit not far from hers. However, far enough that it would not be considered a comfortable stroll.

His eyes widened slightly, impressed with the size of her living space once she’d opened the door, and tastefully decorated. It wasn’t packed with every memento or family heirloom she owned, only those which held special meaning. Leaving him alone, she headed to the small kitchen to use the replicator. He was jealous in some ways. Even though cooking was not Kathryn’s forte, the room made it possible for her to cook the old-fashioned way if she chose, and the space to do so comfortably.

His eyes were drawn to something pink on the center shelf of her display cabinet. Turning his head to look, he noticed it was a rose perfectly preserved in clear aluminum. There was no plaque fixed to the object, giving any hint as to what the memory invoked. His eyes moved to other familiar objects, many of which he’d seen displayed in her quarters or ready room on _Voyager_ , but he couldn’t help it as his attention was constantly being drawn back to the rose. He was still staring at it when she reentered carrying two cups on saucers. 

“I know you’re not very fond of coffee, which should be a crime,” she joked lightly extending the cup toward him, “so I replicated tea instead. It’s chamomile,” Kathryn explained, “I remember how fond you are of it at this time in the evening. Unless that’s changed over the last year.” 

Taking it with a soft smile he replied, “No, I’m still fond of it. Somehow it hasn’t tasted the same since we returned home for some reason. I haven’t been able to determine why yet,” Chakotay paused for a moment and looked down at the cup in his hands, then peeking up at her he continued, “Maybe it has more to do with the company I haven’t been keeping.” 

The smile returned to her lips, “Maybe,” she agreed and took a sip from the cup.

Joining her, the tea miraculously regained a new sense of flavor and depth it had been missing. Occurring to him that it must be due to who he was with, reminding him of many an evening where they would drink the beverage after their weekly dinners on _Voyager_ , “I was wondering if you feel like sharing, what the significance of the rose is on your display shelf."

Tilting her head, she stared at him a moment, her eyes slightly narrowing to study his expression, “I suppose you probably don’t remember after all this time. It was the rose you gave me after we crashed on that planet and I thought I was dead.”

The memory came back to him. “We were discussing talent night if I remember correctly,” she nodded, “And if memory also serves, we went on a midnight sail on Lake George in the holodeck.”

“Your memory does you justice, Captain,” Kathryn replied playfully and when he didn’t reply, only stare back at her looking slightly confused she clarified, “It was a meaningful gesture, and I couldn’t bring myself to part with it. Every time I see it, it reminds me of the bond we forged over the years, the close friendship that evolved between us, and…” she trailed off, appearing marginally uncomfortable.

“And?” He encouraged gently.

“And…how I feel about you,” she finished.

Setting the cup on the low table beside them he replied, “What feeling would that be?”

Placing her cup next to his she took a step toward him, allowing herself to fall freely into his eyes, “What feeling do you think?” She retorted softly.

It was obvious she wasn’t ready to verbally tip her hand yet, not until she was sure he felt the same, and the lustrous gaze in her clear blue eyes gave him an exceptionally good idea. Gently he took her hand and held it. When she didn’t pull away from the intimate gesture, he was sure. Slowly, he dipped his head and kissed her. 

It was tentative at first, before attaining a state of undisguised passion. His hands explored her body without thought, never having been given the opportunity until this moment. Her hands slid over his before one hand settled at the nape of his neck, her fingers gently caressing his skin as the other came up to stroke his cheek. She wanted him as much as he wanted her. There was no longer any pretense or excuse as to why unrequited feelings needed to remain locked away. Their feelings were made evident to each other for the first time since realizing they had them. 

They were no longer made to feel bound by duty and protocol that their feelings were forbidden and became something undesirable that required subterfuge to keep them under control. Each was fully aware of what those years had cost them beyond the obvious. 

“I love you,” Kathryn whispered as she rested her forehead against his cheek, “It wasn’t easy for me to keep my feelings from you so for long, regardless of how easy it might have appeared.”

“I love you too,” Chakotay breathed the words with a relieving sigh, “Part of me always hoped for someday, and now that it’s here I’m afraid of it being denied.”

She pulled back to lock eyes with him, so he could see she meant every word, “It won’t be denied by me. I can’t bring myself to do that anymore and to be honest, I don’t ever want to do so again.”

Caressing her cheek with his fingertips, a smile spread from his lips and became fully expressed in his eyes, “Me either. I’ve been made to wait so long to tell you how I feel that I refuse to do it anymore.”

The smile forming on her lips reached her eyes as well, “Then don’t.”

Overcome with the need to express his love in a way he lacked the words to accurately describe, grasped her hand, and led her toward the open door of her bedroom. There was no hesitance on her part to follow, wanting to show him the depth of her feelings. 

Once they were inside, the next few hours were spent in worship of one another. Igniting and quenching passions and desires either had only daydreamed about. When they awoke next to each other the following morning, they knew this was the first day of the rest of their lives. From now on, when they walked into the future it was unequivocally understood it would be together.

**The End**


End file.
